Somnambulance Pt 3

It must have been an hour
I just sat there staring at the pills
An overly used plastic glass
A crack in the bottom
Slowly leaking from the melting ice

I was thinking of when I’d like to go back
Did I even want to go back at all?
Was my past really that uneventful?
I thought of childhood
It was pretty standard
I remember it fondly as most do
But I realized if I went back to childhood
I wouldn’t care for it now
Innocence isn’t all that exciting
Once you’ve seen past it

My first kiss…
My first love…
My first sexual experience…
None of it grabbed me

I’d never been in love
Let’s just say my standards are too high
But I have dated some women
I would say I liked them formidably
Enough to go to bed with anyway
But none of those were great either
My first sex act was awkward
Something I’d much rather forget

So my life has been a boring mess
Wow, I never realized that

Well, there was one moment
When I was a part of a raid
I was first in after SWAT
And I took the two big cajones out
I was praised at the office for weeks

But really now…
Killing those two guys was that good?
It felt so good I wanted to revisit it?
Nah…

But what about the night of the beach murder?
Maybe I could go back there?
But how could I go back if I didn’t remember?
I couldn’t…
Who’s to say the pills even work anyway?!

Something came over me
A sweep of depression I guess
I thought of what little I had to live for
And downed all four pills
Within seconds though
I’d come to my senses
I induced vomiting
And covered the trashcan
And part of the floor
With beer and stomach acid
Noticing the four pills back on the floor
I felt a surge of drowsiness
And collapsed into a black out…